Let's Kill Harry
by Grant Larceny
Summary: AU. The Dursleys decide their freakish nephew is an abomination. Furthermore it is their sworn duty as members of The Church of England to put him down. Permanently.


The Dursley family was huddled around the dining table discussing the latest embarrassment by their unwanted nephew Harry Potter. It seems young Harry, who was only seven, had somehow turned his teacher's hair blue. The Dursleys had been summoned to the school and forced to buy the woman a wig as no amount of washing had been able to fix the problem. Normally children couldn't turn anything blue but this was just another of a long line of freakish things that Harry had done. Truth be told, the Dursleys knew what he was doing but they weren't going to admit it to anyone even Harry himself. They didn't say the 'magic' word in the Dursley home, it just wasn't normal.

The Dursleys thought of themselves as a very normal family. The house they lived in had many mirrors but apparently they used them little. Vernon was about three people by weight; Dudley took after his father, blond and already very hefty. Petunia Dursley was a nosy woman who had a long neck and face but unlike the other two was a brunette.

Harry Potter the unwanted nephew who had been dumped on the Dursley's doorstep when he was one year old was the only normal looking one. Of course Harry did some weird stuff it was true. He didn't know how he did these things and by now knew there would be consequences. Harry was currently locked in a cupboard under the stairs. It was his 'bedroom' after a string of freakish incidences shortly after his arrival to the medium income dwelling.

Personalities of the occupants of Number four Privet drive were not normal either. Harry was introverted and way too forgiving, Dudley was a temper-tantrum throwing nightmare, Petunia spent all her time either spying on or gossiping with the neighbors and Vernon liked to puff his chest out and brag about his car or his power tools to anyone; behind closed doors he was also a bit abusive towards Harry.

Things were not normal and this was very bad. This latest problem was the straw that broke the camels back.

"We could dump him at an orphanage" suggested Petunia.

"He was dumped on us, which was the original problem" argued Vernon. "And we did not like it one bit!"

Dudley stared at the telly.

"We could take him to Marge's and let Ripper have at him" Petunia said.

"We would still see him on holidays and such" added Vernon.

"What if we went to the continent and just left him somewhere?" asked Petunia.

"I'd always be worried about him finding his was back" Vernon said.

"We could kill him" Petunia said with a smirk.

"Murder is quite common among their kind isn't it?" Vernon laughed. "Just look at what happened to his parents."

Petunia just nodded her head in agreement.

"It was a good idea though…" Petunia trailed off and looked down.

"It does have some merit" Vernon agreed.

"We would have to make it look like an accident" Petunia said.

"Yes an accident, that's the ticket" Vernon said while staring off at the ceiling.

It was decided the next weekend they would visit the white cliffs of Dover. A gentle push and let gravity do the rest. Harry sat in his cupboard oblivious. He could hear them talking but couldn't make out the words. He knew they were discussing him and his punishment.

The Dursleys plus Harry were standing very close to the edge of the cliff. There were many signs and fences. The signs warned of the crumbly nature of the white chalky cliffs. The Dursleys had ignored them all; "to get a better view" it was explained to Harry. Harry was himself very nervous. He wasn't afraid of heights but he also wasn't suicidal, he could read the signs himself very well.

Watching Vernon and Dudley squeeze through a gap in the fence was its own reward. Harry had to try very hard to stifle his laughter. But now they were looking out to sea and down the coast. The view was spectacular. The white cliffs were very white as advertised. The English Channel was covered with whitecaps and the sun peaked through the clouds. Harry thought the Dursleys were over doing it, craning their heads this way and that. He didn't know they were looking out for witnesses.

All of a sudden Vernon spoke to Harry which was rare. Harry was instantly alarmed.

"What a great view! Eh Harry?" Vernon rumbled.

Then he unceremoniously gave Harry an enthusiastic swat on the back with his large beefy hand. Harry staggered and teetered for a few seconds before going right over the edge of the cliff. Shortly after his fall Harry began screaming. The Dursleys began looking around for witnesses again. They didn't spot anyone and while the screaming continued they turned as one and began to leave. As they were nearing the fence the screaming stopped and turned into laughter. Vernon turned and looked back towards the cliff edge.

"What is that?" Vernon asked no one in particular.

The laughter began to get louder and louder. In a few seconds Harry Potter came flying up over the cliff edge and continued rising in the air. He was moving quite fast but anyone watching could see his movement was a little jerky. Harry continued flying about randomly for awhile. His laughter had stopped and turned to various hoots and other joyous noises. His flying became better by the second too; he was already doing stunts after only a few minutes. Vernon had overcome his shock and was now yelling for the freak to come down. Harry suddenly stopped in mid air as if noticing the Dursleys for the first time. He immediately flew down and hovered some ten or fifteen feet away and above them.

"Did you see that? I can fly!" Harry asked with a huge grin on his face.

Harry wasn't the brightest kid in the world and didn't seem to realize he had almost been murdered.

"Get down here now boy before someone bloody sees you!" Vernon cursed.

"I must be some kind of super hero!" Harry shouted completely ignoring his uncle.

"Boy get down here now!" Petunia shouted while craning her long neck around looking for witnesses again.

Harry was doing mid air cart wheels and pirouettes.

"I wish I could fly" Dudley mourned.

"No you don't Duddy-Dinkums, it's unnatural and freakish!" Petunia scolded him.

"Yes mum" Dudley replied.

Harry did a quick barrel roll. "This is awesome. Aunt Petunia do you think I have any other powers? Superman can do all sorts of things."

"Boy if you don't get down here now you're going to be in your cupboard for two weeks!" Vernon interrupted.

"What if I just flew out?" Harry asked.

"We will lock the door!" Vernon quickly replied.

"What if I have super strength and picked up the whole house?" Harry asked just as quick.

"You're not strong and you're not a super hero!" Vernon insisted. "Now get down here or it's the belt!"

Harry's eyes widened at the mention of the belt. Almost as quickly he thought no belt could hurt a super hero. Just to end the strength debate, Harry flew down and grabbed a hold of the hood of Dudley's sweatshirt. Harry quickly flew up and over the edge of the cliff while Dudley was screaming his head off. Harry was laughing and just as quickly flew back and unceremoniously dumped Dudley at his parent's feet.

"Ha! I told you I was a super hero I'm strong too!" Harry taunted them.

Petunia immediately dropped down to comfort her blubbering son.

"Boy you are not a super hero and for the last time get down here!" Vernon shouted while looking around nervously.

Harry was getting tired anyways so he came down and landed beside the Dursleys. He helped Petunia get Dudley off the ground. After quite a struggle and a bit of time they finally got the little whale to his fat feet.

Harry looked at his Uncle Vernon and asked, "Do you think I should get a costume and a secret identity?"

In short order Vernon and Petunia cuffed Harry upside the head. Dudley punched him in the shoulder. Harry still couldn't stop grinning.

"Sorry about flying you over the cliff Dudley." Harry apologized. He still hadn't figured out the Dursleys had attempted to murder him.

"Well now what?" Vernon asked looking at Petunia.

"Let's go before we get arrested." Petunia said as she began to herd the Dursley pod once more towards the fence gap. They got through the fence and this time Harry did laugh at Vernon and Dudley getting stuck. They marched quickly to the car park and headed back west to Surrey.

While they were driving, Harry speculated on his abilities. He already had used three different ones. Flying first then he used his strength and finally he didn't even feel Vernon cuff him, which often resulted in Harry falling down or at least stumbling.

"Do you think I have x-ray vision?" Harry asked everyone.

"No!" All three Dursleys almost shouted. This was about the one hundredth question Harry had asked during the trip.

"Do you think I'll turn green when I'm mad?" Harry asked.

"No!"

Harry pestered the Dursleys relentlessly all the way to Privet drive. He insisted on his own bedroom and more food and less chores.

"Super heroes do not do chores!" Harry argued.

"For the last time you're not a super hero!" Vernon argued.

"Then why can I fly?" Harry asked.

"Maybe there were high winds today. The channel is known for that, right Petunia?" Vernon argued lamely.

Petunia nodded in agreement and then laughed, "Just look at my hair it's a mess."

"Pfft." Harry answered.

Vernon's eyes got wide and he looked at Petunia, "Did he just pfft you?"

"Uncle Vernon no offense but you can't intimidate a super hero. It's like an unwritten rule or something. Dudley you have all those movies, am I right?" Harry said.

Dudley was barely paying attention because the cars wizzing past and the engine noise often put him in a stupor. "Sure, they never back down." Dudley half mumbled.

"Don't take his side Dudders!" Vernon was upset. Dudley jerked back to full attention.

The argument stalled for a while. Silence reigned in the Dursley automobile. Miles and miles went past.

"Do you think I can shoot webs out of my wrists?" Harry asked.

All three Dursleys shouted, "No!"

When they finally arrived back at Number four, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey, England they were back on the bedroom, food and chores argument.

"If I can't have my own bedroom I'll fly the house away and nobody will live in it!" Harry argued.

"You can't fly the house away it's too big." Vernon said.

Harry ignored that and moved to another issue. "Super heroes need more food because they use more energy than normal people."

Vernon laughed, "Well you're certainly not normal I'll agree with that."

Harry had a sudden epiphany. "You've been saying I'm not normal for years. You knew I was a super hero all along didn't you?"

This line of questioning made the two older Dursleys very nervous as it was hitting quite close to home. Dudley had no clue about Harry being a wizard.

"You're not a super hero!" Vernon insisted for the one hundredth time as they got out of the car. Harry ran to the corner of the house and sort of half squatted down. He grabbed the edges of the stonework where it met the foundation. Harry then began to heave his body upwards and make grunting noises. Nothing happened except the Dursleys once again looking around to see if any of the neighbors were watching. Finally Harry gave up and they all moved towards the front door.

"It's really heavy." Harry said lamely.


End file.
